Obama / Democrat Jokes
Comrade Obama Gaffathon How on earth did this happen?
A Boy from Arkansas
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They
actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this
-- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough
marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. She has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!
Q: Do u know what Obama
A: Black and weak
How to begin each new day
feeling happy and positive:
1. On your computer screen, open a new folder.
2. Give it the name "Barack Obama"
3. Move it directly to the trash.
4. Select "Empty trash."
5. Your computer will ask you if you really want to get rid of Barack Obama.
6. Answer "Yes" loudly, then firmly click the mouse.
7. There now, doesn't that feel better?
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her
office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in
"Great, Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
If Obama had a city, it would look like Detroit.
Q: Why did George Zimmerman change his name
to "Ben Ghazi"?
A: He no longer wanted to see his name in the news.
Q: What is the indian name for Obama?
A: "Walking Eagle", because he is so full of shit he can't fly.
Joe died in a fire and his body was burned
pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for
his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Guber. The three men had always
hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Joe.
'The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Guber in to confirm the identity of the body.
Guber looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Guber said, 'No, it ain't Joe .'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Guber said, 'Well,Joe had two ass-holes.''What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Joe with them two ass-holes.
Cooter and Guber are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants for the IRS & Justice Department
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school
in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher fainted!
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Democrat you're holding underwater.
See? It worked. You're smiling already.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so f%#k off and wait for a camel!"
A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a
Black (a documented Democrat), a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a
beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the
bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.
"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."
The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach.
The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"
The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and
prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA , they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington , D.C. and that ahole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.
From Larry, the Cable Guy
Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying, with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a genius.
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .. .. . Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Low-life Cheatin' Republican
The Presidential election 2012 was too close to call.
Neither Mitt Romney nor Obama had enough votes to win.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the starting line and he had 10 fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having a bad day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, "I think that Mitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow, don't bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.' The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), the democrats got together for the report of how the republicans were cheating.
Obama said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice!"
MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favorite movie!!
I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER.
DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your favorite
movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
1. Gone With the Wind
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012
11. Jurassic Park
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, isn't that something?
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!
I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled! ' It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God .... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo ...I'm bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!'
Mom? Dad? Nooooo .... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker...Pacemaker?? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, Sweetie pie, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?
Say it isn't so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please.....
Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!
From where I sit, Barack Obama is a"post
turtle." What is a"post turtle" you urbane urbanites and city slickers might
Well one day an old cowboy was out ridin' fence and he saw a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. When he got back to the bunkhouse he told the other fellas that he saw a "post turtle". They all asked, "What the hell is a 'post Turtle'? And he said it was a turtle settin' on top of a post! He then went on to explain that "you know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there and you just wonder what kind of dang fool put him up there to begin with!"
I was eating lunch on the
20th of February with my 7 year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is
She said, "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid.
I asked, "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
In South Los
Angeles, a Quad-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican Family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members lived on the first floor, and they all died.
An Islamic Group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.
Six LA Hispanic Gang Bangers from LA, and three Ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.
A lone White Couple lived on the top floor. They both survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the Fire Chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why all the Blacks, Muslims and Hispanics died in the fire and why only the White Couple lived ?
The Fire Chief said, "They were both at work."
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week'. The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'. The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Barack Hussein Obama has finally released his actual birth certificate, proving that he really was born in Hawaii, our 57th state.
Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."
Barack Obama and Joe Biden are proof that two wrongs don't make a right.
In Mason, Texas, where there
is a large German speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road
notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: "Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben da reingeschissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more water."
A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put
them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work!"
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work!"
A Russian doctor says: That's nothing, either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work!"
The US doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us! In the USA , we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls. We made him President and now the whole country is looking for work!!!"
You, who worry about
democrats versus republicans--relax, here is our real problem. In a Florida
State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be
President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a
natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
They breed and they walk Among US...
George Bush and Barack Obama
somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Barack Obama was seated next
to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and
said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?"
Drinking with an Arizona Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Arizona !
My dog sleeps about 20 hours
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.
Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the
year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in
a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but
she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
Holy S#%@, my dog is a democrat!
Dear Mr.Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
A guy goes into a bar and
there is a robot bartender. The robot says, What will you have? The guy says,
Martini. The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, What
is your IQ? The guy says, 168. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?". The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?". The guy says, "100". The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?". The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?". The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
There's nothing wrong with the people who voted for Obama that becoming taxpayers won't cure.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average Obama voter.
Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.
The Pope went on vacation for
a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge
of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in
the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
Did you know?
That the words 'race car' spelled backward says 'race car'.
That 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense 'ate'.
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in 'illegal immigrants' and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking ass holes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Q. What do GOD and Barack
Obama have in common?
A. GOD does not have a birth certificate either.
Q. What is the difference between GOD and Barack Obama?
A. GOD does not think he is Obama.
Q. Why will Obama hold a
séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.
Q. What will America's
national bird be when Obama takes office?
A. His middle finger.
Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.
Q. Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A. It stands between him and the First.
Q. What is the difference
between Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama?
A. Carter is the worst President in the 20th Century.
It has just been reported
that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of
loyal service to many US presidents.
When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, "Has anyone seen the spade and hoe?"
A father watched his young
daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure
his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to
her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'
Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.
Sarah Palin is such a good
sport. The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns,
American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Governor Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska,
the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.
REPORTER: Senator Obama, you
have repeatedly said you will "keep the American Dream alive" for those
Americans who live in poverty. What specific measures will you take to achieve
OBAMA: If elected, I will improve poor people's access to jobs.
REPORTER: How will you do that?
OBAMA: By building infrastructure to aid the poor in their search for full employment.
OBAMA: Through public transportation initiatives.
REPORTER: Are you telling me that your solution to poverty is to provide buses to the poor?
OBAMA: Yes, but not expensive buses -- we don't have the budget for that. We'll use school buses during their off-hours. Seriously, what are those bus drivers doing while the kids are in school?
Critics say that Presidential
candidate Barack Obama tries to "be all things to all people" and that he makes
too many "pie-in-the-sky" promises. At a recent political rally, Obama tried to
overcome these criticisms by emphasizing his commitment to principles.
Afterwards, audience members lined up at a microphone to ask Obama questions.
The first person at the microphone said, "I oppose the war in Iraq. If you are elected, what will you do about that?"
"I will end the war in Iraq within two weeks of taking office," answered Obama. "All our troops will come home, and I will simultaneously make sure the Iraqi government is functioning and secure."
The second person in line said, "I'm an illegal alien. What will you do for people like me?"
"If I am elected," answered Obama, "every illegal alien will receive U.S. citizenship, free health coverage, and a scholarship to the university of your choice."
The third person in line said, "I'm a conservative. If elected, what will you do for me?"
"I'll send that first guy to Iraq, and the second guy back to Mexico."
REPORTER (to Barack Obama):
At the Academy Awards, Jon Stewart made fun of the fact that your last name,
Obama, sounds like Osama, the name of the most hated man on the planet. What is
BARACK OBAMA: Besides the unfortunate name similarity, Osama Bin-Laden and I have nothing in common. One of us is a confident, ethnic man with devoted supporters and a clear vision for the future, and the other is about to be elected President.
Waiting backstage before a Presidential debate, Barack Obama and John McCain shared some candid thoughts with each other.
"You know," said McCain, "the reporters have been pretty hard on us. In fact, they've been critical of all politicians -- treating us as if we are a bunch of crooks." He paused and shook his head sadly. "Despite all the cynicism, though, there IS a way to be an honest politician."
"What way is that?" asked Obama.
"Hmmph," said McCain, "well, of course YOU wouldn't know."
I believe the
Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.
John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democrat National Convention for having an affair and lying about it.
Instead Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place!
It’s election day. A
conservative goes in to a bar and orders 10 shots of whisky.
One by one is drinks them down.
The bartender, a RINO, says “wow, what was that about?”
The conservative replies, “Just cast my vote for McCain.”
Bartender says, “Great, let me buy you another one”
Conservative says, “No thanks, if 10 doesn’t wash the taste out of my mouth nothing will”
Recently, Michelle Obama
discussed her relationship with Barack with a marriage counselor.
"There must be a lot of stress on your relationship right now," said the counselor, "because of the Presidential campaign."
"Yes, that's why I came to see you," said Michelle.
"There are some unusual dynamics in your relationship," said the counselor. "For example, you make more money that your husband. According to the newspaper, your job as Vice President of the University of Chicago Hospitals pays roughly twice as much as his job in the U.S. Senate. That kind of disparity can be tough for a man."
"Oh, that's not an issue," said Michelle. "Barack is still our primary breadwinner."
"But your salary is twice his," said the counselor, confused. "How can you say he's the primary breadwinner?"
"Well," said Michelle, "let's just say that there aren't a lot of special interest groups trying to bribe the Vice President of the University of Chicago Hospitals."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and while there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde and a Democrat who is going to vote for Obama, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
A teacher asked her 6th grade
class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny Cheney.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
"If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"That would make me an Obama fan."
Obama Insists He Can Win the
Put on the defensive by charges of “elitism,” Democratic presidential contender Senator Barack Obama (Ill) insisted that he can appeal to people in all walks of life.
“Those who say I can’t connect with the diverse peoples of this country don’t know the real me,” Obama said. “To say that I don’t understand the point of view of the blue-collar man is absurd. I, myself, have often worn a shirt with a blue collar. There are pictures of me in a blue shirt at campaign rallies. So, don’t tell me I don’t know what it is like to wear a blue-collar.”
As further evidence of the breadth of his exposure to a diverse culture, Obama reminded questioners that he had recently “choked down” most of a waffle at a morning campaign stop. This showed, Obama claimed, “that I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone to experience how the other fellow lives.”
His effort to, as he says, “commune with the common man,” goes back to his teen years when he forced himself to play basketball “because I understood it was what Black boys do.”
My New Car
I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the nex t few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful sical music, and if I said, Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'Ass Holes!'
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand , backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this car!
The Washington Post runs a
weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
REPORTER: Your husband's
presidential campaign has been hampered by his connection to Jeremiah Wright, a
militant anti-white preacher in Chicago. Rumor has it that there is a video tape
of you going on a racial tirade against whites, at Jeremiah Wright's church.
Does that video exist?
MICHELLE OBAMA (indignantly): Absolutely not. I know for a fact that Rev. Wright's video camera was not working on the day of my racial tirade.
A young woman was about to
finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered
herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very
much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other
words, redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'
Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'
If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat I'm all ears.
Racist Jokes about Obama
1. If you have ever chuckled at his middle name, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
2. If you ever ridiculed the assertion that tire gauges lower gas prices, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
3. If you ever laughed at the claim that he campaigned in 57 states, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
4. If you ever suggested that the "Vero Possemus" campaign signs had something to do with possums, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
5. If you ever downloaded the video of him bowling a 37 in front of reporters, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
6. If you ever shared the video comparing him to Paris Hilton, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
7. If you ever cracked wise about his cocaine use, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama. (Joking about Dubya's alleged cocaine use is politically correct.)
8. If you ever made fun of his big ears, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama. (Joking about Perot's big ears is politically correct.)
9. If you ever said that the look on his wife's face could curdle fresh milk, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama. (Joking about Cindy McCain's face is politically correct.)
10. If you ever noted that his pastor acted like he was on Def Comedy Jam, you may be guilty of racist jokes about Obama.
Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"
"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." - Craig Ferguson
"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." - Jon Stewart
“Everyone is so concerned now where all of the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago, and if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.” - Jay Leno
"The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off." - Jay Leno
"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?" - Jay Leno
"Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years." - Jay Leno
"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their lovechild." - Jay Leno
"Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there." – Conan O'Brien
"Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It's getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential." - Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser." - Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story." - Jay Leno
Ben Smith reminds us of a clever 1990 parody of Obama by his fellow students at Harvard Law:
"I was born in Oslo, Norway, the son of a Volvo factory worker and part-time ice fisherman. My mother was a backup singer for Abba. They were good folks. In Chicago, I discovered I was black, and I have remained so ever since."
Amy Poehler pokes at Obama's lack of experience: “Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap.”
"They really love Barack Obama in Germany. He's like a rock star over there. Impressive until you realise that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there." - Jimmy Kimmel
Q. Why will Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Jimmy doesn't want to be the worst President in history.
Q. Why will Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square.
Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.
Q. Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.
Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
Q. Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton?
A. She the one with the cojones.
Q Why is Oprah supporting Obama?
A She has a history of supporting frauds.
Q. What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor?
A. The check.
Q. Why does Barack want higher taxes?
A. Cause he won’t be the one paying them.
Q: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q. Why does Barack Obama support our servicemen?
A. He doesn’t.
Q. Why is Barack Obama
running for office as a Democrat?
A. The Communist Party didn’t have enough voters.
Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry Obama to Barack Obama?
A. He thought “Barry” sounded too American.
Q. What do Obama Messiah followers drink?
A. Koolaid, of course.
Q: What does Barack Obam use for contraception?
A: His personality.
Q: How will Obama echo Kennedy in his Berlin speech?
A: Ich bin ein Beginner.
Q: Obama and Hillary are both
on a sinking ship in the Pacific. Who is saved?
Q: What's the difference
between Michelle Obama and former First Lady, Hillary Clinton?
A: Hillary Clinton was an ambitious lawyer from Little Rock who used her husband's charm and political skill to advocate her own radical liberal policies. Michelle Obama, on the other hand, is from Chicago.
Q: Did you hear Obama say
that black fathers should take more responsibility in their children's lives?
A: He left it on his dad's answering machine.
Q: What did Obama say when Al Gore offered him advice?
A: I'm all ears!
1st Guy: Did you see that
huge line where Barack Obama was speaking at yesterday?
2nd Guy: No
1st Guy: Yeah, that's because he snorted it
Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”
When Hillary Clinton starts
looking good, you've either
had too much to drink or Barack Obama is on the tube.
Why Beer Is Better Than Obama
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin
Soldiers like beer.
Sailors like beer.
Marines like beer.
Beer doesn't come from Madrassas.
You know what's in beer.
Beer won't take half your paycheck.
Beer makes life a little better.
You're sad if there's no more beer.
Beer doesn't lie.
Beer doesn't have entitlement demands.
Beer and whine don't mix.
Beer has a pretty good head on it.
Beer and bowling go together.
Beer and arugula don't.
Beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.
John Kerry walks into a
The horses ask, “Hey John, why the long face?”
Sorry, it wasn’t about Obama.
Oh man, I need to take an